Naruto Kills Sakura and Makes Her Into Mellified Man
by ham on italian bread w cheese
Summary: In this thrilling installment in the Naruto series, Naruto kills Sakura and makes her into mellified man, a traditional Eastern medicine which is made by placing a recently dead body in a coffin of honey for a number of years.


Sakura sat on the edge of a well located far out in the forest of trees and leaves and shit, long abandoned by people and nature alike. It stood alone in a patch of dirt devoid of all life, where even the grass refused to grow. It was pretty wack. She was here now because Naruto had sent her a letter in the mail, which was quite odd considering that they talked pretty much every day and he could have just told her anything he had to say that way, which said to wait near it. It also said to tell nobody where she was going and make sure nobody followed her. Sakura, being the dumb broad that she was, suspected nothing from this odd invitation and went to wait near the well at the indicated time. It didn't take long for Naruto to show up, in his characteristic orange Nike tracksuit and elastic headband. He sprinted up to Sakura and struck a cool pose, introducing himself as he always did.

"Hey, Sack-ura. WhaHRARARAAAAARGH!" Naruto screamed, a guttural sound which resonated from within his chest. Naruto often greeted his old friends with horrifying screams which had rendered them all partially deaf. Everyone just assumed it was because he was autistic or just kind of an asshole, but it was actually because he was entirely an asshole, as will soon become clear as you continue reading this story. That's right, I'm directly addressing you, the reader. Do you think that's bad form? If you do, eat my butthole.

"Hi, Naruto. Why invite to well and here in?" Sakura asked with eloquence, eloquently expressing her eloquent question in an eloquent manner with eloquence. It was pretty eloquent. She also tilted her head slightly to the side after she asked the question, like she was some sort of retarded dog or something. Naruto jumped straight up into the air and did a flip, landing back on his arms into a sick handstand, which he held as he answered the question.

"Oh, I'm going to murder you." With that, Naruto used one of his feet to grab his **KATANA BLADE** out of its sheath. However, as he was upside down, it slid out and clattered onto the ground. Naruto was unable to bend his leg enough to pick it up off of the ground while still holding the handstand, so he dropped onto his hands and knees and picked up the **KATANA BLADE**. Sakura waited patiently while he did all of this. Once Naruto had his **KATANA BLADE** in hand and was waving it around in a threatening manner, Sakura responded.

"Well, that sucks." Naruto sprung into action before she was able to continue, slicing his **KATANA BLADE** through the soft flesh of her neck like a knife through slightly cold butter. Her head fell onto the forest floor and rolled a few feet before stopping, whereupon it said "good gravy" and incited a burst of laughter from the live studio audience that watches all of the Naruto episodes as they unfold. It then died. Naruto resheathed his **KATANA BLADE** , its glorious Nippon steel blade having been sated on the blood of the innocent (schwing! That is the sound a sword makes). He then slung the headless body of Sakura over one shoulder turned around, heading back towards his house.

Naruto arrived at his house in 5.44 minutes, thanks to his incredibly strong legs giving him the speed of a cheetah that just got a new pair of Nike sneakers. Naruto never skipped leg day. Now safe within his domicile, he quickly got to work, wanting to process the body of Sakura before it began to rot. He went into his basement and dragged a stone coffin up the stairs into the living room, heaving the lid off with some small amount of difficulty. Inside was a glittering, golden pool of only the purest honey, perfect for creating mellified man with. He ripped off Sakura's clothes with finesse and put them in a pile in his bedroom for later masturbatory use, putting the naked body of Sakura into the sweet solution. Although Sakura had not subsisted on a diet of pure honey before her death, the procedure would likely still work, although a slightly lower quality product would be achieved. Carefully placing the lid back on the coffin, Naruto dragged it back into his basement, and went into his bedroom to jerk it real hard.

It was now 100 years since the fateful day where Naruto murdered Sakura and put her naked body into a coffin full of honey. Naruto was an old man, but was still a real ninja, and still did important ninja sharingan business. Today, he was going to go about the most important ninja sharingan business of all. Prying open the door to his basement, Naruto was greeted to a thick cloud of dust that had accumulated over the decades of disuse the basement had seen. He did not care, however, as he had developed an immunity to dust. He was immune to dust. Pushing bravely forward through the dust, Naruto went to the far end of the basement, where a stone coffin laid. It was time. Grabbing the lid, Naruto started to slide it off with all the strength his arthritic bones could muster, which was quite a lot due to him being a real ninja. His eyes were treated to the sight of the coffin's contents, a glittering pool of what looked like completely regular honey, but Naruto knew better. This was nothing less than $45,000 dollars worth of mellified man, an ancient medicine composed of a body allowed to completely dissolve in a vat of honey. Naruto lowered a liver spot riddled hand into the coffin and took a small sample of the sweet stuff, bringing it to his lips and licking it off of his finger.

"Oh, gross, it's shit," Naruto said. He then threw it out and died 3 years later in the company of his family and friends.


End file.
